Newspaper Satire

Investigations of the Utility of the Brick Wall

Introduction

    After the building of the Brick Wall in front of The Gates, students have frequently questioned its utility. Studies show that 60% of students believe the wall is wall, 20% believe it contains micro-cameras to track truant students going off campus, 15% believe it is a diversion to prevent us from seeing the Shady Files, and the last 5% believe it is actually a shield to keep out the 9-dimensional monsters attracted by the experiments in the tunnels under Rowe (why else would there be all those sirens in the distance?—those are actually the screams of the 9-dimensional monsters being repelled by Shady defense technology). As one can see, many students believe there is something Shady going on with the wall.

    Against such skepticism, the administration has released a statement on the positive utility of the wall:

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Dear students,

    We understand your worries about this wall. But we promise: it is the best wall in American history. One could even say a great wall that will keep the criminals out—who are not all Mexican because we are diverse and inclusive. All those criminals will go up to the wall and look up to it and be completely repelled by its sheer size, unable to destroy it because they paid for it. And it will keep our glorious school safe. It will save our glorious school millions of dollars because we will no longer be liable for students’ safety (have you signed the new contract in your mail yet?). Yes, we will no longer be liable and that is all we could ask for because we only care about our profit margin. But don’t give that too much thought because it will make Shady Side great again. 

Yours truly,

The Glorious Administration

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    But, in accordance with the scientific method, nothing can be accepted unless on the basis of experimentation and data. Hence, four experiments were conducted to test various hypotheses about the utility of the wall: (1) that the wall keeps out the criminals, (2) monitors students through micro-camera, (3) diverts our attention from the Shady Files, and (4) is a shield against the 9-dimensional monsters.

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Experiment 1

    Two Criminals were recruited and asked to invade campus to test whether the wall actually kept out the criminals. As Criminals generally give up trying to invade if they fail to do so within 6-7 minutes, they were given this amount of time in each trial to invade. 10 trials were performed, recording whether the Criminals successfully invaded or not each time and then averaged their success rate at the end. This rate was then compared to historical data of attempted Criminal invasions and their success rates.

    Unfortunately, the Criminals’ success rate was 100%, compared to the historical rate of 0% (because Criminals never invaded before). Hence, this hypothesis can be successfully rejected.

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Experiment 2

    As micro-cameras cannot store much video data, they generally use radio waves to transmit the video to a database. Hence, the presence of micro-cameras can be detected through analyzing the presence of different frequencies of radio waves. As radio waves are nowadays everywhere, the radio waves around the Wall need to be compared with a baseline to see whether the Wall created any new radio waves. Hence, we covered the Wall with a Faraday cage to measure baseline wave presence. The results are shown in the following graphs:

As can be seen, there is a major spike around the middle of frequencies 1E8 and 1E9 that appears when the faraday cage is removed, showing that there are, in fact, micro-cameras in the Wall.

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Experiment 3

    To test whether our attention has been diverted from the Shady Files, pictures of a student leader in a quarter zip were shoved into students’ faces, and their surprise level was measured to determine whether they forgot about the Shady Files.

    Across all instances, students were surprised, and some were even scared when the photos were shoved into their faces. Hence, the Wall is a very effective diversion.

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Experiment 4

    As 9-dimensional shields generally emanate Lagrangian super-critical fields, a Wolf-Heimmer optic shed was used to measure the amplitudes of such fields. In regular areas, the amplitudes should be zero; hence, simply measuring the fields are enough to determine the presence of a shield.

    When measurements were taken… Is that someone from the Glorious Administration? And what is he holding? Is that a 9-dimensional phase-shift modulator?… Oh crap… Oh crap… CRAP. OH THEY’RE GETTING CLOSER SPLIT FLEE SCRAM RUN—THEY’RE GONNA SEND ME TO… TO… TO… THE DEANS OFFICE!!!!!! 

HEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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On the Revolutions of our Earthly Schedule

    It is an eternal truth known to mankind that the schedule is impossible to memorize.

    “Hey! What class do you have next?”

    “Uhhh, I don’t know… Lemme check…”

    *A thousand years later*

    “Oh! I have Chemistry!”

    Now isn’t this a problem? This certainly is a problem! I mean kids are missing class every day of the week because of this schedule! 

    “So uh… why do you have 60,382 tardies?” the deans ask. 

    “God! This stupid schedule keeps changing on me! I hate it when it does that!”

    Yes, we all hate it when it does that, but don’t you know, my little one, that there’s actual order to the schedule! Just follow these 4 laws to calculate what your next period is:

1. If 4th period is next, the class you had on 3rd period two cycle days ago is the next class
2. If 1st period is next, the class you had on 6th period two cycle days ago is the next class
3. If none of the above are true, the next class is the class you had on period n - 4 mod 6 yesterday, where n is the current period
4. If you don’t remember what classes you had yesterday or two days ago, then you might want to check up with your neurologist.

    Quite simple laws aren’t they? Oh, I forgot to mention that you have to perform Lagrangian decomposition in the 6th dimension on n before you can use it in Law 3. Oh!—and you also have to use Euler’s method in non-euclidean space on the 6 to get a 7 in Law 2.
    If you’re wondering where these laws came from, you can do a quick little experiment on your own schedule. So draw a dot on period 2 on cycle day 3. Then draw a perfect circle centered around the dot—it has to be perfect or this won’t work. Then fold the corners of the paper so that the corners touch the dot. Then hold up the paper and phase it into the 4th dimension. Then lagrangianly decompose the paper in the 6th non-euclidean dimension of aleph zero. And you’re done! You should now see the 9th dimensional beings caged in Rowe’s underground tunnels phase into our dimensional plane to tell you about the order in the schedule:

so the beings say.

    Pretty simple stuff! Now, you have NO excuse for missing class. If you miss class, that will be an INSTANT EXPULSION and the 9th dimensional beings will COME TO GET YOU. Your welcome, Dean Team.

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